Jack Black the Moralist

My brain and my heart are TNT wrestlers right now to see who will win the argument over whether to work or stay home (and how long).  They are TNT wrestlers and not Olympic wrestlers, because they are not displaying much logic or self-respect.  No, they are running around in neon tights waving metal chairs and 80's hair.  Why?  Well, I think every mother wrestles with this choice and is banted around the ring with her irrational emotions.  I could blame it on the hormones (thanks, they are fun), but I think it's mostly about fear.  Fear that if I don't work that I'll be handicapping my long-term financial and career future.  What if I have to support myself or our family later in life?  How will I be able to market myself back into a good paying job (that I just gave up)?  One of my strongest fears is that my brain and intellect will slowly dissolve into a pool resembling the Cartoon Network logo...What if my contribution to conversations includes the latest news as reported on the Today show and what's on sale at Target?  I think I'd rather be forced to wear neon pink and green stretchy pants and wrestle a tiny band of midgets.  Wait...is that a sign from the universe that I want more children?

I am learning that when I am going crazy on the inside, that what I really need is to be still and listen deeply.  I am currently reading Living Buddha, Living Christ,  by Thich Nhat Hahn.  Most of us know that Buddhism encourages the practice of listening deeply through meditation, but Christ also practiced listening deeply when he was in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Modern moms are pulled in all directions, physically caring for their children, spouses/partners, families, friends and sometimes themselves; how easily our emotions follow this back and forth on the ropes of life.  It is a great challenge to stop the running and be still.  But, when I am still and my self goes quiet and all my worries melt away, all I see is the happiness that surrounds my son and my life.  And I know that I am meant to be with him right now and nowhere else.

Maybe this means I am growing...I have had a lot of experience with growing of late thanks to my 40 pound pregnancy.  But, perhaps I am expanding in more ways than my waistline or jean size.  Like Jack Black said in Nacho Libre, "Sometimes, when you are a (hu)man, you wear stretchy pants."  I doubt that my body will ever shrink back to its original size and shape, but my heart won't either.  And, I am okay with that.

As an aside, I concur that it is a sad social commentary on myself and society that I am quoting a Jack Black movie for moral guidance.  But, hey, he is a monk in the movie....