Performance Anxiety

I think I've had a mental breakthrough.  You know how you get really nervous and anxious before a big game?  Well, that's how I feel when I have to participate in some type of significantly feminine event, like a baby shower (it also happens when I am socializing with a group of former cheerleaders). 

I've been worried about my baby showers for a couple of months (pathetic, I know).  What do I worry about, you ask? Did I invite everyone that I was spposed to?  Did someone's feelings get hurt?  Am I gracious enough to the hostesses? Do they know I appreciate them?  Basically, I don't know what the hell I am doing - a true duck out of water!  Nevertheless, I am proud to report that I have made it through 3 baby showers!  I think I performed particularly well.  I mingled with the different sub-groups of family - friends, relatives, friends, husband's cousins, etc.  I really was appreciative of all of the gifts - surely, my sincerity came through.  No one shot me dirty looks or said the dreaded Southern passive agressive put-down, "bless your heart."

The nerves never went away before the games, but I learned to trust that they would disappear at game time.  I hope that with more practice at these traditional female roles, I'll become more comfortable in my new "uniform".

Confessional

I have to admit that even though I am a self-proclaimed "jock" mom (to be), I am so very glad that college football is officially over!  If you didn't know, Alabama beat Texas in the national championship last night.  Of course, the commentators made excuses for Texas, with their star quarterback Colt McCoy out in the first quarter.  The SEC never gets the recognition it deserves (see what I've learned in my four years of marriage, lol). 

ESPN is ALWAYS on at my house, and while I love to play sports, I am not as interested in watching them on tv.  Trust me, we watch every sport that is broadcast (with the exception of soccer)- NCAA football, basketball, baseball, NFL, NHL, MLB, NASCAR, professional golf (including women's sometimes), pro tennis - even the little league world series for goodness sake!  I go nuts about 2/3 into a season and pick fights over the remote with my husband, J.  He is too funny...recently, he told me that he hoped the baby liked football.  It made him nervous to think that his son might not have that in common with him.  (If it does turn out that way, J may question his paternity.)  Despite his manly fears being somewhat adorable, I do pray that our son has a broader interest than JUST sports.  J's family has practically already drafted him into several profesional sports.  I don't know what I'll do if it's going to be another 18 years of ESPN - 24/7.  Is your tv stuck on ESPN, too? 

Motivation

My pregger's friend and I have decided that we're going to blast this baby fat off by training for our first triathalon!  I've never wanted to do one before I gained 40 pounds, but, I find myself newly motivated to take my body back.  It's a sprint triathalon - the shortest one we could find, lol - 200 meter swim, 8.5 mile bike and 2 mile run.  It's in Nashville, so that makes it easy.  So, mark your calendars - Memorial Day weekend.  Now I need to find a bike...

The Subject of the Belly

As a self-proclaimed female jock, one of the hardest things to adjust to during pregnancy is having a big belly. I affectionately refer to it as the Buddha Belly. Even though I know there is a little life growing in there, I feel myself relating personally to fat people for the first time in my life. For example, when you have a big belly, you have to be conscious of whether or not it is hanging out of the bottom of your shirt. You can't rely on a draft to hit the underside of your belly, so you constantly pull your shirt down. I always think of Winnie of the Pooh when I do this. Also, when you have a big belly, your pants lose their grip and sag. Pooh just skipped the pants, probably to avoid the annoyance.

When I was a college athlete, I had 8% body fat; the female average was 24% for my age range. My abs were a solid 4pack. Of course, after graduation and over the course of 7 years, the 4 pack completely disappeared and let's just say I never wanted to know my body fat percentage again...Nevertheless, other than an additional 10 pounds or so, I was still a relatively fit person. Now that I'm in my seven month of pregnancy and trying to fathom losing 40 pounds after the delivery, I find a new kinship with the Biggest Loser audience.
My giant belly has motivated me to walk more regularly - I have, in fact, become a "mall walker". It has been too cold to walk outside on our greenway, so I join the elderly in the mall for some speed laps. I am also joining the Senior Citizen water aerobics class. It's the only one approved for us preggers. Should be fun!

The Subject of Breastfeeding

Ok....let's just tackle one of the biggest subjects of conversation with pregnant women - breastfeeding. I'm not sure what happens to your brain when your milk comes in, but apparently, you are somehow inducted into a genetic cult that supports breastfeeding. When you become pregnant, people (even men, strangely) will ask you "Do you plan to breastfeed?" Since when did other people's mothers and strangers become the breastfeeding police? They are like the Breastfeeding Gustapo or Mommy Inquisition. As a matter of fact, I don't want to discuss my breasts with you! And, why do you care - get a life!

To me, breastfeeding is a weird phenomenon. Not, that it's biologically odd; the biology makes perfect sense to me. We are mammals after all; not much different than cows and gorillas when it comes to this sort of thing. The oddity of it all is the passion behind breastfeeding. Women gush about how it was the most bonding experience. They are like religious zealots talking to a potential convert. Even the medical books support the movement, blah blah about the bonding experience of breastfeeding, forget about the medical benefits (I get those too). I just want to yell, back off boobie police!

Okay, enough already! I'm glad that we can produce the "stuff" that our baby needs on demand. Pretty, cool. Biologically unique....no. Is my baby going to love me more? I doubt it. Just ask me in a few months and we'll see if I've been converted.

The OTHER side (of the family)

Everyone loves to tell the pregnant couple that it's their last holiday alone. It's like they wish they could pipe in some doom and gloom music for emphasis when they disperse their "wisdom" to you. There was nothing unique to us about these holidays. In fact, they kind of sucked. My sister is deployed in Iraq; my brother passed on two years ago in an accident. So, it's just Mom, me and Granny this year. Oh, yeah, and ALL of my husband's family.

I've never really complained too much about J's family (he may disagree); my mother tells me that its just my pregnancy hormones right now (a nice, neutral comment from my mother). But, they are all driving me crazy. First, it was declared by the daughter in laws that J's family is a holiday hog. They ALL still live in the same area and they get together for every major and minor holiday known to man - and then some. They dominate the big ones - Thanksgiving day, Christmas eve, Christmas day and even the more minor ones - Easter, July 4th. They even try to monopolize Mother's Day. Who does that? And, that doesn't include the birthday lunches or other family crap you get sucked into - so and so is in town and everybody wants to get together. Basically, they do not share well. It's so hard to barter for holidays, because they have done this for YEARS. The thought of having a baby in the same city will all of these people gives me endless heartburn. I think of the countless events I'll have to attend and invite them to. It's so hard for us to have a party with just our friends - we have to tell them it's for "young people" so they understand.

Having been raised by an independent, single mother who lived two states away from her siblings and cousins, J's family are like Martians to me. It is SO tiring to be around them ALL of the time. They want to know all of your business. Heck, J's grandmother tells me that I am carrying her baby. Who knew it worked like that! With the baby coming in just a few months, I feel like I'm preparing for battle. I keep repeating to myself "they will not come over unannounced"; "I will not back down"; "next year, I'm going to see my family on the day of the actual holiday". I'm afraid I'm going to spew curse words that J's grandmother has never heard before. That, or enter into some type of Poltergeist moment where my head spins around. At this point, I'm leaning toward whichever one is more effective.

Anyway, all of this drama is distracting me from the fact that I'm having a baby! Maybe we should move....

New Project

Well, it's been a while since I last wrote. I believe that if I leave this blog for purely academic/philosophical arguments, I will not be using it very much. I am, in fact, philosophical only about 25% of the time.

So, I am christening this blog to be my journal over the next 365 days or so as I journey into new motherhood. I am pregnant (currently 30 weeks) with our first boy - due Feb. 17. We have had a difficult time staying pregnant; this is our third time around. So, I'm not your typical first-time mom. I lack the innocent joy associated with being pregnant. What a depressing thing to say? Don't get me wrong; I am VERY excited to be having a baby and I wish he would get here tomorrow safe and sound. But, after you've experienced loss with multiple pregnancies, it feels like you won't be able to breathe until the baby actually gets here. I've been protecting myself from feeling too much, I think - I've disassociated myself as much as I could in order to keep my sanity. And, I think that's a sane thing to do.

Anyway, as I am nearing our target date of February 17th, the reality of how much my life is going to change is coming over me in waves. Not only am I going to become a mom and J and I are going to start our own family, but I am also taking an extended leave of absence from work (unbeknownst to my co-workers - not my bosses). That, in and of itself, is quite unsettling. I can't picture myself without this career identity.

I thought this online journal would be a good exercise to document my baby's first year, my transformation into a Mom and the journey into the unknown as a "stay at home" person. Am I going to find my calling during this year? Will I love being a mother so much that I become super MOM; will I dream up a new small business; will I uncover a deep seeded dream and pursue another career; will I lose all of this baby weight (and a few more pounds); or, will I watch daytime television faithfully and gain an additional 15 pounds? I'm excited, thrilled and terrified. It might be the trifecta of a good story. We'll see.